Overwhelmed and panicked is the feeling both teenagers and their parents experience when bullying happens on social media. The themes that play out over the days and weeks of this harassment is:
Intrusion
Isolation
Embarrassment
Lack of control over events
Repetitive
Helplessness
Fight or flight
Frustrated
A lack of voice
A lack of autonomy
Those themes are also used to describe PTSD and that is because being bullied on social media or real life bullying over time is traumatic. In particular criterion D and E in the diagnosis of PTSD very much relates to the list above. It changes the life course and life stages, because in some circumstances the teenager has to bring an end to the cycle themselves by withdrawing from school, this brings a whole host of loses that this blog can’t cover in one go.
Let’s take each of the themes above and expand on how they effect the teenager so significantly
Intrusion
Social time is intruded upon both in the teenager’s life and that of their parents, by responding to the bullying, reporting the bullying, the process of explaining the context to school or police. The screen shots of the things said etc.. It is an intrusion on time, privacy and in some cases the teenager’s safe space if their home is targeted.
Isolation
The teenager withdraws, doesn’t want to engage in social time, if indeed there are friends to have social time with. They feel isolation as they believe NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE understands how they feel about the bullying and how sad and angry they are. They may be scared to go out and their remaining friends may be scared to go out with them.
Embarrassment
They are embarrassed by the bullying, if played out on social media then they have a feeling that everyone will know about it. Sometimes the bullying is about sensitive issues which must be explained to teachers and maybe to the police. They are afraid of being seen like a loner and a loser.
Lack of control over events
Unpredictable in frequency, severity, duration, bulling either online or in person is something that can not be predicted. This is the power of bullying; it leaves the person in a state of fight or flight with no certainties. The unpredictability of bullying over time in the child’s/teenager’s developmental stage is the developmental trauma aspect of complex PTSD.
Repetitive
No end in sight, no way of knowing when the bully/bullies will become bored and leave them alone.
Helplessness
Helplessness is the belief that there is nothing that anyone can do to improve a bad situation. In many ways, then, helplessness is a belief that control over the situation, or its outcomes is impossible.
Fight or flight activation
The fight-or-flight or the fight-flight-or-freeze response (also called hyperarousal or the acute stress response) is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. It is helpful in the short term but over time is detrimental to our bodies on a cellular level and is chronic in its nature.
We could go on to talk about a whole host of detrimental aspects of the fight or flight activation, but this blog would be very long. Google ‘health implications of fight or flight response’ and learn about prolonged stress on the body.
Frustrated
At the delay by the police, social media company, school, doctor (treating anxiety). Frustrated at the adults in his/her life who can’t make it go away. Frustrated at themselves for bad decisions re friendships. Frustrated at the unfairness of it.
Lack of voice
Official advice by bullying organisations and by the police is that evidence should be collated and no response to provocation should be given, once reported it should be dealt with by school/police/club. This effectively means the child/teenager has lost their voice. Their right to stand up for themselves and be heard. The right to be brave or assertive. It is a tricky situation to be in and I suppose the advice is based on the principle that you are severing the maintaining cycle. Don’t feed the flames.
Lack of autonomy
The opportunity to make choices about where they go, who they hang out with, what they need to worry about, a fundamental narrowing of choices which effect not only the teenager themselves but the adults in his/her life.
Steps to help when the bullying is ongoing
1) Report it to the school, if very serious report it to the police. Cyber bullying is malicious communication and needs reporting, they need to act and evaluate how widespread the problem is. There cannot be laws passed about it if they don’t know about it.
2) Be your teenager’s companion. Use it as an opportunity to do things together. She/he needs predictable routine that involves fun. You will be the person that carries your teenager through.
3) Document EVERYTHING in writing. Had a phone call with school/police then follow up with an email stating what was discussed. BE FIRM!
4) Take your phone and photograph bullying posts or messages that come through on your teenager’s phone. That way your teenager won’t have to screenshot, and the other person will not know it has been documented.
5) Offer some form of therapeutic help for your teenager (either counselling or support group)
6) Go swimming/walking/trampolining (anything that burns the nervous energy)
7) Find them a different hobby that is a club in the hope of establishing a new friendship group.
8) Make things easier on the food front. Buy them what they like, keep some cornetto’s in the freezer etc.
9) Look after yourself in a physical way in nature, by yourself or with a friend.
10) Remember that it will pass and communicate this to your teenager at regular intervals.
