So, as we approach Friday (if indeed your child finishes
then) it may be important to remind ourselves of the aspects of loss your child
may feel approaching this important day.
Identity – Your child may be known as the conscientious one
or the caring child or the leader, his class mates may know him for this
particular quality and also the teachers. Whatever the quality is this will
have been more cemented on the standard 5-day trip away that children tend to
have in their last year. Different roles will have been assigned to them
depending on their qualities. The teachers and peers will have come to expect
these qualities whether slightly irritating or helpful. It is important to remember
that identity is a huge part in most losses.
Friends – Its an obvious one, your child may struggle with
not seeing their friends everyday as different schools have been chosen for different
children, but they may also struggle not seeing the children in the year below
if they are mixed classes. Boys sometimes miss the company of girls at secondary
school as single sex groups are defined.
Routine – Class routine, weekly routine, dinner time routine
and most importantly the routine of travelling with you in the car to school.
This time is sometimes fraught but most of the time it is a chance for us to
have a little check in and discuss what is coming up or what we did the night
before. There is a place on the way to school that we appreciate the view across
Morecambe bay from Kellet. A lot of the time random important questions are
answered.
Clubs/playtime – Downtime in clubs learning something new is
an aspect of school life that takes on a greater formality in secondary school.
Play time is also a thing your child may miss. I think here we are just talking
about a greater sense of freedom in expression.
Transition to secondary school is one of the most difficult
transitions in a child’s school life. Children often have mixed feelings about
the transition, they are looking forward to having more freedom, different
friends and new challenges. What is also going through your child’s mind is
concern about bullying, having less down time and being unsure in the classroom
and alone at breaktime. Success in friendships and academic achievement can
play a big part in emotional health and wellbeing.
Several research studies have found certain criteria present
for successful transition.
·
Positive belief in support systems in school
(not whether it is positive, but whether the child perceives it as positive)
·
Children who have developed friendships early
and also moved with some of their primary friends and they have an older
sibling at school.
·
Believing they have some influence on academic achievement.
Believing the level of difficulty of work is correct for their ability and that
the teachers are positive and helpful in reinforcing this.
Transition becomes problematic when
·
Children have listened to difficult scenarios
from Siblings in which the sibling felt powerless and the system seemed unfair.
·
Children that experience anxious parenting in
every aspect of life. You can read about this here in another couple of blogs https://helenharveycounselling.blogspot.com/2019/05/parents-are-new-focus-for-teenage_5.html
It is important to remember as we prepare our children that
our secondary school experiences will not be theirs. When I speak to parents in
my practice about this move, they foresee their child’s school experience to be
similar to their own. Some parents report that school was a horrendous time for
them. They felt lonely, were bullied or felt academically out of their depth
with little support. The two are mixed up and so the parent becomes over cautious,
intrusive and anxious in their way of being. If you identify with this, it may
be useful for you to think about the differences in the practical aspects, to separate
out what is true and what will not be true for your child as they start year 7.
I have kept the photos of the last six months at school
events, play programmes, postcard from the school trip, reports etc. These are
going into an album like a scrapbook for my son to refer to. I have learnt in
my work with children, that sometimes if the memories are not visual and
concrete then the child tries really hard to bring them into focus by talking
about them and generating feelings associated with them. This is sometimes a
good thing, but this looking back frequently doesn’t allow the child to move on
and establish themselves in another place and time.
My other thought is that I am going to be 2/3rd
truthful with my feelings. I am concerned about my son’s organisation at
secondary school and also the volume of homework, but I am not sharing any of
those worries. I will share that I am sad for him because he is upset for
leaving primary and we will discuss what was good and not so good. What we
might do to bridge the gap in the summer holidays such as invite friends, make
a plan from his view point of what may help him transition well and what he
needs from me and his sister.
I am aware Friday will be hard for myself and my son. I am
going to allow time after the achievement assembly in which he can collect
contact numbers and make some plans with existing friends. If you are wondering
what the practical steps are in the first weeks of secondary school then you
can find that blog here https://helenharveycounselling.blogspot.com/2017/08/is-your-child-starting-secondary-school.html
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